Once Upon A Time

“Save me, my handsome prince!” Even Princess Estrogia’s cries for help were melodious and beautifully pitched. Her laments floated down from the prison tower like an aria, like a tragic song played on a perfectly tuned harp. Prince Auronious couldn’t help but enjoy the sound of her voice as he hacked his way through the small army of skeletons the Evil Wizard Foyst had set to guard the prison door.

“Set to rest your womanly fears, my fair one!” Auronious shouted back to her as his magical sword cleft a line of skulls from their spines, leaving a jumble of bones and armor in its wake. “I'll soon fell these skeletons, breach the prison walls and bear you safely unto my bedchamber!” His voice carried up to her small tower room like a thunderclap cutting through the clatter of metal and marrow on the battle field. Estrogia had to prop herself upon the heavy curtains to keep from swooning.
“Yes, my prince, yes! Slay the evil dragon guarding me and bear me away to ravishment!”
“I come forthwith my maiden! I shall...hang on a minute” He held up a finger, indicating to the charging skeletons that he would only be a moment. He called back to the tower while the skeletons milled about, looking at each other for cues on what to do. “What did you say was guarding you?”
“An evil dragon!” Estrogia called back. “Foyst crafted him of coal and fire and he’s guarding the stairs to my cell! Slay him so that we may be together!”
“Wait did you say he breathes fire, or that he’s made of fire?”
“Both, I believe. Didn’t the wizard tell you all this when he challenged you to rescue me?”
“No! He mentioned the skeletons, and maybe some wolfmen but nobody said anything about a dragon!” One impatient skeleton broke from the group mulling about and tried to catch the Prince with his guard down. The Prince caught the creature’s rusty battle axe by the handle and pushed it back, causing it to fall hard on its tailbone. “Hey, not now, okay? Gimme a minute.”

He turned back to the Princess. “How big is it?”
“How big is what?”
“The Dragon!”
“What does that matter?”
“Whaddaya mean? If you expect me to slay it I wanna know how big it is!”
“It’s dragon sized!”
“I’ve never seen a full sized dragon in person before! We don’t exactly have them hanging around in the stables back home! Is it like the size of a cat or a wolf?”
“A cat?”
“YES! Is it bigger than a cat?”
“Fuck yes, it’s bigger than a cat!”
“Fuck! How much bigger?”
“Like a house!”
“A horse?”
“House! Like a cottage!”
“Like a peasant’s cottage or like a summer cottage like a bungalow?”
“I don’t know! Are you going to rescue me or not?”
The Prince kicked at the dirt and absentmindedly killed a skeleton that had been inching near him.
“What did you say?” The Princess shouted down, her voice cracking slightly.
“Nothing!”
“Are you coming to fucking rescue me or not?”
“Well like...”
“What?”
“I mean, a dragon’s kind of intense, right?”
“You’re a Prince! Slay it!”
“Hey, I do more than slay things all day, okay? I spend most of my time trying to resolve diplomatic disputes with our neighboring countries! I don’t know how to slay a dragon made of fire and coal! I don’t even know if you can!”
“Come on! What are you afraid of?”
“Well...getting killed by a dragon mostly!”
“God, you’re such a pussy!”
“Hey! I’m wading single handedly into an army of undead soldiers!” He slashed the legs off three nearby skeletons to punctuate his point. “Honestly I think that’s pretty good!”
“Oh, I could defeat the stupid skeletons! They can barely stand up straight!” The Prince looked at the muddling group of undead and noticed that some of them would, from time to time, knock heads and tip over. “But what I can’t do is unbolt my basement door, and kill the goddam dragon with my goddam magic sword. Now either get to slaying or just fucking go home!”

The Prince weighed his options. “M’Lady!”

“Yes, my prince?”

“Fuck this! I’m gonna go back home and father some illegitimate children."

And so he did, and the dragon lived happily ever after.