Dear Internet,
As part of my good faith attempt to actually blog about something other than this blog, I feel I must share a personally defining part of myself with you, and so I present for your consideration, the names I intend to impart to my children.
My first born daughter's name will be fairly straightforward, as she will be named for her mother, so will be named either Ellen Page Fry, Keira Knightley Fry or Emma Stone Fry (whichever one is lucky enough to land me first--it's anyone's game at the time of this writing).
My first born son, rather than being my own namesake will be the namesake of all that is great and masculine in the world and shall be known as Egon Samuel Leroy Jenkins Jackson Fry (Fry is my last name in case you weren't paying attention).
A friend of mine once put it to me that this name is too perfect, to chock-full o' awesome to be readily acceptable to any mother of my child, regardless of how droolingly in love with me she will inevitably be. After all, it would reasonably set forth expectations of demi-godlike proportions that I am fully confident any child of mine would be able to perform, but can understand how other people might have trouble believing a priori the potency of my seed, and so I have a plan to butter my wife up (figuratively, not literally....though come to think of it, literally too, but that's for another time)by introducing gateway awesome names that will inevitably lead to my perfect conclusion. These names will also be considered for any subsequent or illegitimate children, as I understand that kind of thing sometimes happens.
Introductory level badass: Names of Famous Scoundrels and badasses from Cinema
Mal Reynolds (unisex)
Han Solo (unisex)
Leia Organa (can't be used if I've already got one other Star Wars-named kid)
Jason Bourne
Brad Pitt's Character From Ocean's Eleven
Liz Lemon
Indiana Jones (unisex)
Lando Calrissian
Billy Dee Williams (alt. Billie Dee Williams)
Robin Hood (unisex)
Meryl Streep In Everything Ever
Secondary Level Awesome: 80s Hair Bands
Metallica (Girl)
Whitesnake (Girl)
Journey (unisex)
Styx (boy)
Foreigner (boy)
AC/DC (Unisex)
Guns (boy twin)
Roses (girl twin)
Motley Crue (boy, or boy twins)
Poison (unisex)
Quiet Riot (unisex twins)
Iron Maiden (girl)
Dio (unisex)
Def Leppard (unisex)
Lynryd Skynyrd (boy)
Maximal Awesomeness: Words that sound awesome (several of which are types of swords) and that nobody else will name their kids
Falconry
Petrichor
Hibernaculum
Apostasy
Expletive
Alpine
Apocryphal
Spectral
Pulsar
Cavern
Stalagmite
Cumulonimbus
Verisimilitude
Aeon
Azure
Phthalo
Ammo
Junket
Wizened
Wakazashi
Scimitar
Katana
Rapier
Saber
Claymore
Feel free to use any of the above to name your own children (the non-copyrighted of the above anyway), as long as you cite my blog address somewhere on their birth certificate. And anytime they're introduced at parties.
Love,
Steve
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Better or Equally Terrible Names for This Blog Would Have Been...
Dear Internet,
I've decided that I did you a disservice by naming this blog as pretentiously as I have--though as I have stated, it may not have been my idea--and while I could easily re-title it or import my posts to a new blog with a better name, I won't because my valuable time could be better spent playing with Legos or giving school children temporary tattoos with ball-point-pens for money, so instead I present to you this list that I compiled after what must have been several minutes of contemplation. I invite you to pick a favorite title from this list and pretend my blog is called that instead of what is is actually called, which I don't remember at the moment and can't be bothered to find out because my "Page Up" key was stolen by a bird.
Object Permanence
Bifurcated Mentality
Horny at Work
Misguided Dissemination
Fancy Rants
Oral, Aural and Earl
High on Life! Also Heroin
So Very Lonely
Septuagenarian Sesquipedalian Susquehannan Sellout
Stuff I Can Fit Up My Nose
Unilateral Campaign
Objective Truth
Sexed Up
Run! Run Far Away!
The Midwest is a Government Conspiracy
Ample Bosom Chum
You Shut Your Fat Mouth
Heinous Atrocities
Atrocious Heinies*
Punch in the Face
Illegal Jargon
Abate My Lust
Aptly Ironic
Cunt Trumpets
Ubiquitous Penumbra
Muliebrious Titter
I'll add more if I feel like it (which I probably won't). You stay out of trouble, now.
Love,
Steve
*Why is it that if I say something is an atrocity, it conjures the image of Hitler and the holocaust, but if I say it's atrocious, it conjures images of Mary Poppins?
I've decided that I did you a disservice by naming this blog as pretentiously as I have--though as I have stated, it may not have been my idea--and while I could easily re-title it or import my posts to a new blog with a better name, I won't because my valuable time could be better spent playing with Legos or giving school children temporary tattoos with ball-point-pens for money, so instead I present to you this list that I compiled after what must have been several minutes of contemplation. I invite you to pick a favorite title from this list and pretend my blog is called that instead of what is is actually called, which I don't remember at the moment and can't be bothered to find out because my "Page Up" key was stolen by a bird.
Object Permanence
Bifurcated Mentality
Horny at Work
Misguided Dissemination
Fancy Rants
Oral, Aural and Earl
High on Life! Also Heroin
So Very Lonely
Septuagenarian Sesquipedalian Susquehannan Sellout
Stuff I Can Fit Up My Nose
Unilateral Campaign
Objective Truth
Sexed Up
Run! Run Far Away!
The Midwest is a Government Conspiracy
Ample Bosom Chum
You Shut Your Fat Mouth
Heinous Atrocities
Atrocious Heinies*
Punch in the Face
Illegal Jargon
Abate My Lust
Aptly Ironic
Cunt Trumpets
Ubiquitous Penumbra
Muliebrious Titter
I'll add more if I feel like it (which I probably won't). You stay out of trouble, now.
Love,
Steve
*Why is it that if I say something is an atrocity, it conjures the image of Hitler and the holocaust, but if I say it's atrocious, it conjures images of Mary Poppins?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
So...apparently I have a blog?
Dear Internet,
Today I found out that I have a blog apparently--this blog--that I did not remember/realize/know that I had set up, so...sorry about not posting in a while. Or ever.
Literally, I clicked "sign in" and blogspot asked me if I would like to write a new post for a blog I have no memory of creating, and since the only other thing I have going on right now is my job, I figure, "What the hey."
Although, now that I think about it, it seems likely that this is some kind of trap, and the open blog space is just some kind of luscious bait laid out for me for reasons that will be clear soon enough. So stay alert, Internet, if you don't hear from me for an extended period of time, it is almost certainly because some unspeakable atrocity has befallen me you should feel it is your civic duty inform the police, (though my preference would be ATF or better) and when my mangled, ravaged body is found flat-packed in a TV stand box in an Ikea storeroom, you will be lauded as a hero.
Although now that I think about it a little more, there are many things that would explain me forgetting exactly when or why I claimed this little corner of the internet, and all of them are brands of alcohol, which actually makes a lot of sense. Like, do you ever find old text messages that you forgot you sent your roommate declaring your intent to make love to his Brita Filter? This might be kind of along those lines.
I choose, however, to believe that it's a trap. Hopefully it's part of a broader conspiracy that involves corporations and maybe governments and it's not just one freak trying to reel me in to his torture dungeon where he will make me pleasure him and read his Buffalo Bill fan fiction because I promised myself "never again."
In any case I will use this blog to continue to report courageously on what it is like to have a blog, and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Love,
Steve
Today I found out that I have a blog apparently--this blog--that I did not remember/realize/know that I had set up, so...sorry about not posting in a while. Or ever.
Literally, I clicked "sign in" and blogspot asked me if I would like to write a new post for a blog I have no memory of creating, and since the only other thing I have going on right now is my job, I figure, "What the hey."
Although, now that I think about it, it seems likely that this is some kind of trap, and the open blog space is just some kind of luscious bait laid out for me for reasons that will be clear soon enough. So stay alert, Internet, if you don't hear from me for an extended period of time, it is almost certainly because some unspeakable atrocity has befallen me you should feel it is your civic duty inform the police, (though my preference would be ATF or better) and when my mangled, ravaged body is found flat-packed in a TV stand box in an Ikea storeroom, you will be lauded as a hero.
Although now that I think about it a little more, there are many things that would explain me forgetting exactly when or why I claimed this little corner of the internet, and all of them are brands of alcohol, which actually makes a lot of sense. Like, do you ever find old text messages that you forgot you sent your roommate declaring your intent to make love to his Brita Filter? This might be kind of along those lines.
I choose, however, to believe that it's a trap. Hopefully it's part of a broader conspiracy that involves corporations and maybe governments and it's not just one freak trying to reel me in to his torture dungeon where he will make me pleasure him and read his Buffalo Bill fan fiction because I promised myself "never again."
In any case I will use this blog to continue to report courageously on what it is like to have a blog, and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Love,
Steve
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