Fruit of My Loins

Dear Internet,

As part of my good faith attempt to actually blog about something other than this blog, I feel I must share a personally defining part of myself with you, and so I present for your consideration, the names I intend to impart to my children.

My first born daughter's name will be fairly straightforward, as she will be named for her mother, so will be named either Ellen Page Fry, Keira Knightley Fry or Emma Stone Fry (whichever one is lucky enough to land me first--it's anyone's game at the time of this writing).

My first born son, rather than being my own namesake will be the namesake of all that is great and masculine in the world and shall be known as Egon Samuel Leroy Jenkins Jackson Fry (Fry is my last name in case you weren't paying attention).

A friend of mine once put it to me that this name is too perfect, to chock-full o' awesome to be readily acceptable to any mother of my child, regardless of how droolingly in love with me she will inevitably be. After all, it would reasonably set forth expectations of demi-godlike proportions that I am fully confident any child of mine would be able to perform, but can understand how other people might have trouble believing a priori the potency of my seed, and so I have a plan to butter my wife up (figuratively, not literally....though come to think of it, literally too, but that's for another time)by introducing gateway awesome names that will inevitably lead to my perfect conclusion. These names will also be considered for any subsequent or illegitimate children, as I understand that kind of thing sometimes happens.

Introductory level badass: Names of Famous Scoundrels and badasses from Cinema
Mal Reynolds (unisex)
Han Solo (unisex)
Leia Organa (can't be used if I've already got one other Star Wars-named kid)
Jason Bourne
Brad Pitt's Character From Ocean's Eleven
Liz Lemon
Indiana Jones (unisex)
Lando Calrissian
Billy Dee Williams (alt. Billie Dee Williams)
Robin Hood (unisex)
Meryl Streep In Everything Ever

Secondary Level Awesome: 80s Hair Bands
Metallica (Girl)
Whitesnake (Girl)
Journey (unisex)
Styx (boy)
Foreigner (boy)
AC/DC (Unisex)
Guns (boy twin)
Roses (girl twin)
Motley Crue (boy, or boy twins)
Poison (unisex)
Quiet Riot (unisex twins)
Iron Maiden (girl)
Dio (unisex)
Def Leppard (unisex)
Lynryd Skynyrd (boy)

Maximal Awesomeness: Words that sound awesome (several of which are types of swords) and that nobody else will name their kids
Falconry
Petrichor
Hibernaculum
Apostasy
Expletive
Alpine
Apocryphal
Spectral
Pulsar
Cavern
Stalagmite
Cumulonimbus
Verisimilitude
Aeon
Azure
Phthalo
Ammo
Junket
Wizened
Wakazashi
Scimitar
Katana
Rapier
Saber
Claymore


Feel free to use any of the above to name your own children (the non-copyrighted of the above anyway), as long as you cite my blog address somewhere on their birth certificate. And anytime they're introduced at parties.

Love,
Steve